This morning, I got bitched at for always wearing sweats to church. Well duh. I don't want to get all dressed up just to go somewhere I don't want to be. So I go change into my labcoat and some jeans and I get bitched at for 'deliberately disrespecting older generations' or something like that. Because the labcoat had one little black skull stitched onto one of the pockets. God forbid some of these old geezers see a different perspective.

Yesterday, Aaron came to see me from Pueblo. I was so happy to see him, I didn't care that I was still in my ugliest possible clothes and hadn't shaved my legs in at least four days (though I guess that didn't much matter, since I was in sweatpants lol). We sat and talked about xxxHolic and anime and libraries and such, but it seemed really...eh. I dunno. I miss what we had so, so much.

For some reason, when he asked when Christmas break starts for us, I thought of Will. It almost seems like he never happened, except that the damage last summer had left was gone when Will was.

So this is a pretty irrelevant journal, and no one should bother reading further. xD It's just something for me to use to get stuff off my chest.

I've been really depressed lately. Everything's...changing. Not in a good way, as usual; it's changing in a hideously unfamiliar way, twisting so that I hardly recognize my own life anymore. I don't recognize my friends, I don't recognize my heart, I don't recognize my family.



My family. That's the worst part, almost. Ha...some of my friends think they know soooo much, but there's at least one part of my life that only two people in the world know about: my mom and my brother. How grotesquely ironic.


Along with being depressed, I've practically been worried into an ulcer about Jack. I finally got to talk to him but it didn't accomplish much in the way of decreasing said worry.


Let's go ahead and add isolation to my list, simply because that's what you do when writing pathetic, retarded and pointless emo-rant journals. We should all know this, as I seem to be writing them incessantly lately.

For the most part, my friends (you guys ) have been fantastically supportive and such. And I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry if I've been having a hard time returning it to those of you who actually care. I've been feeling so isolated lately, maybe because I'm still...I dunno. Coping, I guess, with the absence of Aaron and everything that's going on with my goddamn family...and other things. Eh. Some people can be very talented in making me feel like I'm not worthy of the oxygen I breathe or the space I take up (which, admittedly, is quite a lot of space).


So all in all. I've been feeling shitty these past couple weeks, and it just keeps getting worse. It's okay when I'm in French class. LOL. Best class of the day, by far. Or sometimes when I'm in Geometry, since I have the coolest teacher of all time. But mostly....ugh. Depression. Not as bad as last summer...no. Not that bad. This is just...a hopeless kind of feeling. Like nothing will be the same, nor will it ever get better. It sucks, you know?


Okay...so, end emo-rant. I'm getting sick of myself again. That's one thing that's getting worse...that's one thing amongst many that I'm actually rather worried about. I don't know what to do. I need a good book really badly, guys.